


stress come on (pixie come in)

by crimsongravedigger



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Babysitting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-11-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:32:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4763477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsongravedigger/pseuds/crimsongravedigger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sehun is an overly stressed layout editor who desperately needs a babysitter and Luhan is an overly poor university student who desperately needs a job.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first chapter! Please enjoy and leave a comment!

Life sucks when it's Monday and it rains so hard that Noah is this far from knocking on your door to pick you up. Life also sucks when you have to drop your kid off at school, which ironically is on the other side of town, making you inevitably late for work, where your boss welcomes you with tons of layouts to edit and a never ending list of people to call. Life doesn't get any better when that damned red light on the printer is there for no apparent reason and you've already checked pretty much everything that could be the problem; the ink is there, the white paper too, all the wires are plugged in and still, that evil machine doesn't want to cooperate with your poor soul.

 

Sehun counts to fifty-three because even though smashing that old printer with his fist seems like an appealing idea, that would mean money to pay and he cannot afford that. His boss is already "paying" him like he's some kind of slave and he has a kid to raise, so nope, no cent is allowed to leave his pocket. 

 

Coffee break is at ten and Sehun's dying whale noises echo in the whole office, making his colleagues wonder who the hell has just been stabbed. The coffee machine is broken. Sehun counts to seventy-six because nope, he can't destroy that machine with kicks. It could be fun, but not professional.

 

First the printer, now the coffee machine. He crawls back to his messy desk and takes his glasses off, trying to figure out a way to get some coffee without actually leaving the room. His eyes fill with hope as soon as a trainee offers to take a trip to the nearest Starbucks, taking notes of everybody's orders. Sehun opts for an americano because he needs to feel the pure caffeine running through his veins otherwise he won't be able to leave work alive.

 

While he waits for his coffee, Sehun makes a few calls and does some boring editing on his computer. There are paper sheets everywhere, some are even on the phone, and he thinks that maybe it's time to start writing his will. He's so going to die here, buried under ten feet of random stuff and supplies. He hasn't even checked anything on his bucket list… he's so young.. too young to die… in a boring, plain office… alone… poor…

 

"Sehun hyung? Hyung?" the high-pitched voice ringing in his head and the sweet smell of freshly crushed coffee beans make him cringe and smile at the same time. He lifts his head up and sees Jongin right in front of him, coffee in his right hand and a worried expression painted on his sun kissed face. The trainee places some change on the desk and asks him if he's getting enough rest because holy shit, his dark circles are very dark that morning. Sehun blinks a few times and tells him not to worry; everything is under control in his life and every single obstacle is highly calculated. Apart from the fact that he fed his son some expired milk last night. That was a mistake, but Jongin doesn't need to know all the details. He sends him off with a small smile (is that even a proper smile?) and finally starts sipping on his well-deserved americano. It's warm and bitter and just perfect. There are some yellow post-its on his calendar so he decides to work on those commissions first. He doesn't want to have too much work on Friday, since he promised his son that he'd take him to the zoo. His wallet will be a bit lighter but hey, he's the father. A 29 year-old single father with trust issues and a soft spot for stuffed animals.

 

 

 

The office is quiet. Sehun hears the sound of his fingers typing and the clicks of his mouse. His coffee is still hot, someone has turned on the heater (probably Zitao, he's as thick as a flower and always cold) and for once his design resembles something decent. The palette Sehun chooses is really pretty: there are shades of blue, grey and brown. Overall it's a really pleasant first page for the October issue of their magazine, and Sehun lazily drags the cursor on the 'save' button so his boss can check it out. Or maybe not. Photoshop crashes. 

 

Jongin is helping Jongdae with the broken printer because they really need to print some stuff for the magazine. The last thing he sees and hears before leaving the room for lunch break is Sehun loudly banging his head against the wooden desk. 

 

Jongdae grabs his coat and tells Sehun to join him because having lunch all alone is really sad, and Sehun only accepts because his colleague offered to pay. The streets of Seoul are wet and grey, pretty much like the layout editor's mood right now. Rain is pouring so hard that even the umbrella can't save his suit, which ends up all stained with big damp polka dots. They decide to stop by the old same ramen shop, the one right behind the corner, with bright warm lights and striped walls, just because it's cheap and the portions could feed an entire army. It's funny because that shop is full of memories for Sehun; he used to meet his friends there after school (Jongdae included, everyone), trying to fit all the homework on the table next to his steaming cup of broth. He then became friends with the former owners and somehow ended up dating their daughter, who slowly got tired of spending afternoons inside that shop and dumped him one fine day. After the whole family moved away and sold the shop, Sehun stopped dropping by and he decided to start buying cups of noodles at the minimarket next to his apartment, mastering the art of using the microwave. 

 

"So how's Haneul?" Jongdae asks while making himself comfortable, cellphone on the table and coat folded on his chair. The waitress hands them a menu and Sehun scans it through his eyes with fake interest. He orders the same old cup of spicy noodles with a glass of mineral water and Jongdae just tells he waitress to get him the same too. 

 

"Haneul is fine. He struggles with school, but everything else is alright." Sehun manages to say, cleaning his glasses with a tissue. He doesn't want to think about how little time he gets to spend with his nine-year old son because of his work. He also doesn't want to think about the nights he heard him cry in his room, or about all the times he said he felt lonely because  _"mom won't come back"_  and the kids in his class didn't really like him.

 

"I think you should-"

 

"No."

 

"But Sehun, he's so lone-"

 

"I don't need a babysitter."

 

Jongdae shakes his head and starts to eat his noodles, because reasoning with Sehun is as effective as talking to a tree. Sehun does the same, still a bit offended by his friend's words. It's not like he's a bad parent, ok? He has always made dinner, washed his clothes, played with his son whenever he could, talked with teachers. He is a good father indeed, so why is Haneul sad all the times? Why doesn't he smile when Sehun takes him out to eat, or when they play football at the park? Sehun really doesn't get it. He's trying so hard and yet it never seems enough. It was his mother who ran away with someone else, not him. 

 

"I think he misses Yoobin. Sehun, this is not about your parenting skills, ok? It's about Haneul. You barely get to see him after five, he feels lost and needs a maternal figure in his life." Jongdae's words are like a bucket of frozen water thrown directly at his face, but the worst part is that they make sense. It's true. Work is a living hell and Haneul suffers in silence while Sehun spends his night working on layouts and heating up things in the microwave because there's no way he has time to cook something more elaborated. 

 

"Give it a try. If you don't like how the babysitter treats Haneul, you can just fire her."

 

Yeah, sure. It's not like Sehun is dying to welcome a total stranger into his house, hand them his precious kid and then go to work and stay there not knowing what the hell is going on at home. Also, babysitters cost money. They cost even more when they have to cook, do laundry, do the ironing, the shopping and all the housework you usually do on saturday morning (let's not talk about Sehun's little yellow apron, green plastic gloves and bandana). Sehun isn't even sure Haneul would like to have a babysitter, to be honest. 

 

He plays with his food until the hard boiled eggs are smashed and egg yolks float on top. His appetite is long gone, plus this ramen tastes funny. Or maybe it's just his own bitterness that ruins everything, food included.

 

"I'll think about it."

 

They leave the ramen shop under the pouring rain and Sehun thinks that maybe it's time to call Noah for real. If it doesn't stop raining, he'll have to use a boat instead of his car. He also thinks that he made a huge mistake picking up that handwritten piece of paper taped on the counter, but he tries to convince himself he did it for his son.

 

\--

 

Sehun usually works on his designs until half past four, but the whole team is really behind with work this week and some articles for the magazine aren't even finished yet, so he tries to speed things up but it's hard to do so when things at home aren't fine. He keeps thinking about that babysitter topic and when his boss asks him to stay a little longer today -if that's alright with him- he just nods, mind stuck on a million things and not really listening.

 

He's working on the last layout when his colleagues start to leave the office one by one. He waves with one hand and keeps typing with the other, adjusting graphic details on Photoshop and fixing colors. He hands the finished file to his boss and that's when he watches the clock and-  _fuck_. It's five ten and he's still there, in that hole of a room, turning his computer off and throwing away flying sheets of paper. 

 

"Sehun?" his boss gives him a concerned look because it's not even that late, but the look on the layout editor literally screams  _i'm going to hell._

 

"School… Haneul… have to go" and then he sprints out of the door, running under the rain until he reaches the parking lot. There's a traffic jam, there are careless people crossing the road without looking, there are red lights everywhere and then there's his son sitting on the school's staircase, teacher next to him and tears on his chubby cheeks. 

 

"I'm so sorry, my boss needed something and then… things happened and… God, I'm so sorry Haneul." Sehun takes him in his arms and the teacher sighs, suggesting to hire a babysitter or something because " _it's not the first time you forget to pick Haneul up, sir."_

 

"It's the last time, I promise" but deep inside, Sehun knows it's just a deja-vu. He said that too many times.

 

They get home when it's time to have dinner, but as soon as his father offers to heat up some kind of pre-cooked meat -that tastes like plastic-, Haneul says he isn't hungry and locks himself in his room.

 

He said something about a teachers-parents meeting next Tuesday, but it's difficult to say yes when next Tuesday is the deadline for the project Sehun is working on. If those layouts are good enough, his boss promised to give him a promotion and make him manager of the graphic department. Receiving a nice paycheck wouldn't hurt his bank account and he really, really wants that position. Sehun deserves it. He has been working his ass off these past few years and to be honest, no one has Photoshop skills like his. Not attending that meeting, though, would mean hurting Haneul's feelings, and a responsible father would never do something like that. It's hard deciding between work and family, especially if you're single, if you don't have many friends (and the ones you got already have their own stuff to deal with) and if your parents are six feet under. 

 

In the kitchen, Sehun sits on a chair and unties his wrinkled tie. He's tired and everything seems to go wrong, so wrong that his hand automatically reaches for that piece of paper he secretly snatched at the ramen shop and he decides that he can't go on like this. He needs to be a good dad, and if this is the best solution to his problems, well, he's willing to try.

 

That piece of paper doesn't really say much; it's just a bunch of basic informations and an underlined 'I'm very good with children please hire me' that sounds a bit suspicious but Sehun wants to trust this person. He wants to give Haneul the opportunity to be happy, to be with someone. He reads that message a thousand times and then dials the cellphone number.

 

As soon as Sehun realizes he's actually talking to a male (he couldn't really tell from the name written on the bottom), his thumb brushes against the red button of his cellphone to hang up. Then, maybe because his accent is kinda funny (like his handwriting) and he seems genuinely excited to get the job, Sehun keeps talking until they set a date to meet and discuss about Haneul. 

 

Maybe it's a stupid decision. Maybe that Luhan only wants to hurt Haneul, or steal something, or cause problems, but when his son walks into the kitchen with watery eyes and a pajama too large for his size, Sehun's heart feels heavier somehow.

 

"I don't want a babysitter" the little boy complains, climbing on his father's lap.

 

"You'll like him" he replies, stroking his black hair in a tender way. Haneul hides his face in his hands and Sehun starts to pray to a God he doesn't even believe in.  _Please, whoever you are, make this work._

 

_\--_

 

As promised, Luhan steps inside the coffee shop at precisely six o'clock the morning after Sehun called him for a quick interview. He made sure to look presentable for the occasion; hair combed back, nice clothes, a light cologne and eyes filled with hope. He really, really, really needs that job. University is expensive and jobs are hard to find when you have to study basically 24/7 and have no experience whatsoever. Hey, he knows not to judge the book by its cover, but a nice first impression is always appreciated. 

 

Luhan looks around, gaze travelling quickly across the room until someone stands up and waves at him. Bingo. He walks towards the man wearing a black suit and bows a little.

 

"You must be Oh Sehun, am I right?"

 

"And you must be Luhan. It's nice to meet you."

 

"It's nice to meet you too, sir. Thank you for giving me this opportunity."

 

"Ah, you're welcome. And Sehun is just fine."

 

Sehun can't really understand if this kind of pixie in front of him is real or not. He looks young, so young that he's tempted to ask for his ID, but the waiter interrupts him to take their order. After they both have decided for a cappuccino, Sehun starts bombarding Luhan with questions and Luhan answers them without wasting any seconds. He's confident, bright and Sehun is really impressed. They discuss about chores, money, stuff to buy and how to contact each other if there are problems at home or at work. Luhan says he's no chef but he's still alive so his food isn't poisonous, and Sehun replies that it's enough; his son is so tired of microwave food that he'd rather eat grass from their garden, so any kind of dish will do. Sehun asks him about his family, and Luhan replies that his parents are still in Beijing because they couldn't afford to stay with him in Seoul.

 

"They couldn't pay for my four sisters and brother, so I came here alone" Luhan tells Sehun, explaining that having younger siblings helped him dealing with children in general. His childhood hasn't been the nicest one; he had to grow up fast in order to take care of all his baby siblings, but now he's a responsible young man with a dream (and empty pockets most of the times but shh).

 

"It's funny," the Chinese boy says, "because my brother and your son share a very similar name. My brother's name is Hanyi, which is the Chinese version of Haneul. Well, kinda." 

 

Sehun can feel the angles of his mouth rise unconsciously. This pixie can't stop talking in his funny accent and everything he says seems ten times more interesting for some reason. Jongdae was right. Trying wouldn't hurt. 

 

Half an hour passes quickly and Sehun feels like he has known Luhan for all his life. He also learns that Luhan becomes friendly really fast, but he doesn't feel like complaining about that.

 

"So…when can I start?"

 

Sehun looks at his wristwatch and sighs. He can't be late for work again.

 

"Well, you can start right now."

 

\--

 

The first thing that Luhan thinks when he steps inside the building is that Oh Sehun must be pretty rich to live in a place like that. White halls, sparkly chandelier, dark floor and a pleasant smell of fresh flowers welcome him; Sehun guides him to the third floor and as soon as he opens the door, a child with hair sticking up and a stain on his pajama runs towards them. His expression is totally blank.

 

"Haneul, this is Luhan. Luhan, this is Haneul."

 

Luhan's eyes travel to the kid's face and his employer's, starting to feel nervous all of a sudden. He already feels like this kid isn't fond of him and shit, it's true that he has experience with kids but he's not a wizard. He opens his mouth to say hi and that's it, Haneul is gone. Locked in his room. 

 

"Should I call him? Can you handle this whole sit-" Luhan shuts Sehun up with a finger on his lips. He hands the layout editor his coat and opens the door, gently pushing him towards it.

 

"Hey, you called me. I won't die. Now go to work, otherwise you're gonna be late."

 

When Sehun is in his car, and for once not late for work, he almost can't believe it. 

 

"Someone's happy today" Jongdae teases, and Sehun doesn't understand until he feels his lips smiling for no particular reason. 

 

That must be pixie dust. 

 

Or at least he hopes so.

 


	2. and i will try to fix you

Sehun makes a mental note to ask Luhan for more pixie dust because that stuff is extremely effective. The red light on the printer is nowhere to be seen; the coffee from the coffee machine tastes divinely and the sun shines timidly through the clouds, creating beautiful rays of sunlight that light up the whole room. His boss is nice enough to print some papers himself and he hands Sehun a couple of layouts to edit instead, praising him in front of everyone for the latest layout he made. 

"Is this even real life" Sehun wonders when it's ten o'clock and he's sitting at his desk, messy as always, with no urgent work to do and no missed calls from home. He thinks about yesterday morning and cringes mentally, remembering how everything seemed to go wrong for no apparent reason. The broken printer, the broken coffee machine, the apocalyptic weather, the fact that he almost forgot he had a son to pick up from school, the bland cup of ramen and then Luhan. 

Luhan.

No, scratch that. Luhan was the only nice thing that happened to him for the past century, paychecks included. Sehun didn't really want to admit that, but having someone at home taking care of Haneul made him feel less anxious than usual. He wouldn't have to worry about making lunch, and maybe dinner too, and Haneul would eat home-made food like he should. He wouldn't have to worry about waking up at five in the morning every saturday to iron his suits, or to do other chores, because Luhan would give him a hand here and there. The idea of being able to sit down and just relax for a couple of hours was more appealing than any other thing in this world. He could finally start reading novels again, and he could enjoy steamy cups of coffee, catch up with tv series and see movies.

"Are you paralyzed or something?" Jongdae asks with his index finger pressed on Sehun's nose. The truth is that Sehun is so immersed in his own world that he doesn't even realize he's been smiling for the past minutes without any reason. He kinda looks psychotic to be honest but hey, let's not ruin his mood for once. He slaps Jongdae's hand away playfully and invites him on a trip to the coffee machine nearby. 

"I hired a babysitter." Sehun breaks the silence, stirring his cappuccino with a little plastic spoon. The angles of his mouth instantly rise up and Jongdae swears he has never seen a smile uglier than that. Maybe he's not used to it?

"For you or for your kid?" his old classmates inquires, sipping on his lemon tea. Sehun is this far from pouring his coffee on Jongdae's head, but since he's a nice man, he only gives him a death glare. 

"I'm not having lunch with you today." Sehun states while rolling his eyes, leaving his colleague behind to go to the toilet. Lunch break is near and the idea of eating another cup of ramen creates a knot inside his stomach. A slice of pizza would be just right.

Sehun doesn't really know how, or even why he is sitting at the same old table with the same old Jongdae and the same old noodles in front of him. 

"I don't remember agreeing on following you..." he whispers, staring at something green floating on top of the broth. He really needs to get his head out of his ass.

The afternoon goes on smoothly just like oil and Sehun's boss calls him in his office to discuss important business (which usually means spending extra hours inside the office to finish stuff his incompetent colleagues couldn't) but it's nothing serious. They just chat about layouts and palettes and textures and fonts, so Sehun does a little victory dance inside his mind because no extra work for him during the weekend!. He needs to celebrate. Absolutely. 

Sehun instantly freezes on the spot when the clock hits six o'clock. He's about to sprint out of the room once more but then the thought of Luhan floods his mind and a sigh of relief escapes from his lips. He's safe. He picks up his messenger bag and gets in the car, stopping by a candy shop to buy a treat for Haneul. He opts for a chocolate bar because everyone likes chocolate, duh. 

To be honest he doesn't even know why he trusts Luhan so much. Just last night he was so against the idea of hiring a babysitter, someone who would steal his job as a parent, and now he's not even worried about the current situation at home. Maybe the pixie has a special aura or a satellite that sends good vibes, who knows. The only thing Sehun is certain of is that something is wrong; as soon as he closes the door behind his back, only silence welcomes him. There's no Haneul, no Luhan, no shouts, no nothing. Anxiety spreads inside his chest and oh my god, Sehun starts to panic for real. He checks the kitchen: dark and empty. He checks the living room and the tv is turned off. He runs inside his own room and someone made his bed but apart from that, there's no trace of those two. He's about to literally break his son's bedroom door down when a voice interrupts his actions. Luhan is talking. Kind of.   
Sehun slowly creeps inside and Haneul is sitting on his bed, books and textbooks spread everywhere. He's holding a pencil and his little head nods every now and then, listening carefully to Luhan's words. 

"See this number right here? You have to to divide it by this number and then add this" the Chinese boy explains, pointing at something on Haneul's notebook. Blonde bangs cover his eyes as he sits more comfortably, sitting cross legged. 

"And then I multiply those two numbers so I get the final result, which has to be different from zero" Haneul guesses, receiving a high five from his new math tutor. They laugh quietly and decide to solve another problem, since Haneul's math test is right around the corner and he has to pass it at all costs. 

Sehun stands on the doorstep, lips slightly parted and a funny feeling in his stomach. He has spent approximately the past four years trying to convince Haneul to do his homework ('please just do it, i'll buy you candy' 'Haneul for the love of god please start your paper it's already midnight' 'I swear if you don't finish this problem I won't take you to the fun fair' and so on) with no good results and here they are, talking about math like it's the latest gossip. There's a hint of pride in Luhan's gaze and Sehun notices all those little wrinkles that decorate his eyes whenever he smiles. It's like seeing something his son has never experienced before. 

A family. 

"Dad you're home!" Haneul screams as he jumps off the bed to fall into his father's arms. Luhan puts the notebook down and waves at him, putting his shoes on a minute later. 

"How did you do that?" Sehun mouths, patting his kid's hair softly. Luhan laughs and replies that wizards don't tell their secrets. He gathers his books and stuffs them into his bag, then he stops next to Sehun to say goodbye.

"Alright, so…see you tomorrow?" Luhan asks, feeling Haneul's arms wrapping around his waist. Sehun nods with the hint of a smile on his thin lips, accompanying the pixie to the door. An idea pops into his mind exactly when the Chinese boy is about to leave, and even though he's not the best cook in the world, trying won't hurt.

"Wanna stay over for dinner?"

"I'd love to, but I have to study. Maybe another time?"

And so Sehun has to close the door and find something to comfort his wounded ego. Haneul follows him into the kitchen and sits on a stool, watching his father set the table with plates and chopsticks. He misses Luhan already. 

"Dad, can you make me jiaozi tomorrow?" Haneul suddenly asks, playing with his green plastic glass. 

"Jiao- what?" Sehun turns his head towards Haneul and gives him a concerned look. Where did he learn that? And more importantly, what exactly is that? 

"Luhan-hyung made jiaozi for lunch today. He made some for you too!" the kid exclaims with enthusiasm, already feeling drool on his chin. 

Eventually Sehun finds out that jiaozi are dumplings, and he also finds out that Luhan is a man of many talents. There's a small post-it on the fridge that says in a very messy handwriting 'there are some leftovers in the fridge and i did some shopping, hope you don't mind :-)'. Luhan bought fruit, fresh vegetables, meat, eggs and cheese. Everything smells amazing and looks way tastier than the garbage he used to heat up in the microwave. He even bought stuff Sehun didn't know existed until ten minutes ago. Since when is Chinese cabbage a thing?

They have dinner (actually they finish leftovers and share the chocolate bar Sehun bought earlier) and then when the not-so-stressed-anymore layout editor goes into his bedroom to change his outfit, he finds his suits ironed and neatly folded on the bed. 

He totally doesn't send Luhan a text thanking him for his hard work, and Luhan totally doesn't reply back with a smiley and a thumbs up emoji. 

\--

Time passes by and everything is great. Sehun is a changed man (thanks to home-made food and a few more zeros on his paycheck, since he's now the manager of the graphic department), Haneul comes home everyday with excellent grades in pretty much every subject and Luhan keeps impressing his employer like he's some kind of matrioshka, always hiding surprises. He also treats Haneul like a little brother, always helping him with his homework and occasionally playing soccer with him at the park. 

They would spend their free time studying and arguing over the best soccer players ('Cristiano Ronaldo is way better than Messi!' Luhan would repeat again and again, listing every goal his idol had scored in the past ten years) and Sehun would watch them from afar, thinking about how much he'd pay to have a wife like Luhan. Then he would remember about Luhan being nine years younger than him, still in college, with a family to support in Beijing and with a very ugly handwriting. Deep down though, Sehun would still hope to find someone like him. 

In oder to celebrate Sehun's promotion, they decide to go to the zoo. It's a chilly Saturday and the queue is so long that people start complaining and babies start crying, but in the end they get their tickets so everything's fine. Haneul runs everywhere pointing at animals, taking pictures and dragging his father by the sleeve of his shirt. 

"Luhan-hyung, teach me something in Chinese!" the hyper kid shouts at some point, bouncing all over the place. He's so excited that he even takes pictures of the toilets, but as soon as Luhan starts pointing his index finger at animals and saying their equivalent name in Mandarin, Haneul shuts up and stares in awe. 

"Hóuzi is monkey; that is hǔ, a tiger. You can see a lion over there, we call it shīzi in China" and so on. The little kid writes it all down so he can show it off at school. No one there knows Mandarin words apart from him, and his classmates started to like him thanks to his language skills. 

Sehun is calm. It's a nice day, his son is having fun and they all decide to eat ice cream for lunch. When the Chinese boy turns to face him after having handed Haneul his ice cream cone, though, Sehun is not calm anymore.

"Sehun, wait there's something-" Luhan's slender fingers travel on the older's lips, cleaning them from a smudge of vanilla ice-cream. 

Sehun totally doesn't internally scream when Luhan licks his own fingers, and Luhan totally doesn't laugh his ass off when he sees his employer's cheeks on fire.

After that little accident things get less awkward between them. When Sehun offers to make dinner for everyone, Luhan included, the Chinese boy accepts enthusiastically and ends up helping the older in the kitchen while Haneul is studying in his bedroom. 

When Luhan is tired after his classes in college, Sehun takes him out for some coffee and the barista always puts two americanos on the counter with a gentle 'for this cute couple'. Sehun is about to protest everytime but then Luhan simply giggles, so he never really says anything. 

On October 31st they spend their first holiday together. It's not really a holiday, but it's still something. They end up dressing Haneul like a pirate and when he's out with his friends playing trick or treat, Sehun drags Luhan to the sofa so they can watch cheesy scary movies. The atmosphere is really nice; Luhan bought green and black candles (organic ones because he's Luhan) and Sehun tried to decorate the house with fake spiderwebs and flying bats. Together they made up funny cocktails using any kind of alcohol they could find, and if Sehun's arm casually finds his way around the babysitter's shoulders, well, he blames the drinks. If Luhan's face nuzzles cutely against his employer's neck, well, he too blames the alcohol.

It's not like they did it on purpose, but now the coffee table is full of empty cans and bottles of beer and they are 209,7% wasted. Being drunk means being curious and being curious means receiving honest (and sometimes unwanted) answers, so when Luhan asks Sehun where is Haneul's biological mother and why he's still single, Sehun starts telling him the story of his life and how Yoobin and him were too young and stupid to care about anything. Then he tells him about the day he found his girlfriend in someone else's arms and the pain he felt when he came home to find out that she ran away leaving their son behind. 

Luhan listens. His face doesn't really show any kind of emotion, but as soon as the Chinese boy wraps his arms around Sehun's neck in a warm hug, Sehun loses it and starts to cry his heart out. 

"It's gonna be ok, I promise. Trust me." Luhan whispers. After having spent four years with the weight of his sorrows on his shoulders, Sehun decides to believe him. 

\--

Luhan knows he's in trouble. He's in big, big, big trouble. He shouldn't feel like this. He shouldn't want more. 

But he does. 

For once, Luhan wishes he was older. A man with a satisfying job, that could support both his lover and his lover's son, that could buy them a nice house and pretty things. The ugly truth is that he's still in college, he's still nineteen, he still doesn't know what to do with his life and his heart aches whenever Sehun lays his eyes on him. 

He's too young to feel like this. He doesn't belong there, with him. 

Work is work, money is money, but when his employer kindly asks him to spend Christmas with him, Luhan mentally falls to his knees and betrays his principles, ending up agreeing ("Mom? I'm not coming home for Christmas. I...uhm…I'm working."). 

To be honest, he doesn't know when he started to feel like this. Should he blame Sehun's sharp but handsome features, or his deep voice that echoes in his bones, or maybe his strange way of expressing his feelings? 

"I think you should give up your job. It's not healthy to be with someone that old." Luhan's roommate Kyungsoo tells him at some point, trying to put some sense in that little head of his. 

"I'm not with him or anything..." Luhan explains, folding clean sheets with so much frustration that he's tempted to make confetti out of them. 

"Still, you should stop working for him." 

Kyungsoo is right. Luhan should probably quit his job before Sehun becomes aware of his feelings. He sees him like a kid, anyway. There's no way it could work between them.

Luhan doesn't tell Kyungsoo he's going to spend Christmas with the Oh family, and more importantly he doesn't tell him that he hopes to find a mistletoe hanging from the front door. 

\--

When Luhan rings the doorbell on a very snowy December 24th, there's no mistletoe to brighten up his mood. But then he finds himself face to face with a freshly shaven Sehun, who welcomes him inside with a smile hotter than any bonfire; it's not the same, but Luhan doesn't complain. He places the food he made last night in the fridge (some typical dishes that his mom and his grandma used to prepare) and quietly hides the presents under Sehun's bed.

Christmas Eve is nothing special, to be honest. It's an ordinary day; they watch movies, play Monopoly, drink hot chocolate and decorate the Christmas tree. Haneul falls asleep on Luhan's lap and Sehun gently tucks him in his bed since the Chinese boy couldn't feel his legs anymore. 

"Do you have a girlfriend back home in Beijing?" Sehun suddenly asks, closing Haneul's bedroom door behind his back. Luhan shakes his head.

"… A boyfriend, maybe?" but no, Luhan still shakes his head. How could he tell Sehun that his heart already skipped beats for someone? It's not fair. He's a good boy, and good boys deserve nice things. Why can't he wake up and be, like, ten years older? 

That night he goes to bed thinking that he made the wrong decision by accepting to spend his holidays with Sehun. It's just a constant reminder that hey, you're a kid and you've got issues. 

Christmas itself isn't a lot different, but they bake cinnamon cookies and open presents all together. The food is nice, the snowman is finally finished (Sehun swore that his fingertips were going to fall off his hands and complained forever, until Haneul threw a snowball at his face to shut him up) and now Luhan and Sehun are alone again, Haneul already asleep in his comfortable bed.

"Thank you for inviting me..." Luhan timidly says, stirring his coffee every now and then. Sehun simply smiles and there's something in his eyes that is off. He seems….distracted? In his own world, to be precise. 

Luhan doesn't totally get it until Sehun takes his hand and gently drags him towards the front door, searching for something in his pocket. 

"I know I'm older, and I know you're younger. Let's try."

Luhan watches as Sehun's hand holds a green thing above their heads, and suddenly their faces are inches apart.

"May I…?" Sehun's plump lips brush slightly against Luhan's chapped ones, making him shiver like he's under ten feet of snow. As soon as the younger nods, eyes fixed on those sweet sweet pink lips, Sehun leans in once more and magic happens. Luhan swears he has never heard fireworks louder than those that exploded during their first kiss, and he kinda knows something about fireworks (Chinese New Year, everyone).

He hears some more when he's lying in someone else's bed, long fingers dancing in his blonde hair and ears listening to his favorite heartbeat.


	3. Chapter 3

Falling in love is easy. It should taste like vanilla and chocolate cupcakes (with extra frosting because extra frosting is always appreciated), made on a rainy Sunday morning when you don't feel like doing anything but sleep and watch crappy old fashioned tv series. Falling in love should smell like a huge bouquet of colorful flowers, the kind of bouquet that makes you feel like it's spring when it's fall. It should feel like a warm blanket worn on December nights, when it snows outside and the sky is a pretty shade of violet.

 

Falling in love is a beautiful thing, except it's not. For Luhan, falling in love tastes like bitter warm coffee on Monday mornings when they both are late and there's no time for words. For Luhan, falling in love smells like the same old jiaozi they eat for dinner, the ones that Haneul devours in half a second because soy sauce makes them ten times tastier. For Luhan, falling in love feels like pain in random parts of your body after having shower sex and cracking your head open in the meantime because ' _shit Sehun it's too slippery_ ' and ' _fuck is that blood on your forehead?_ '. 

 

But it's still love. It's clumsy, awkward and sometimes rushed, but it's love. 

 

Haneul stares at them both when he sees Luhan coming out from Sehun's bedroom, his father's arms wrapped tightly around his waist and lips ghosting on his neck. Sehun never did that with Yoobin. He stares at them again when Sehun unconsciously intertwines his fingers with Luhan's as he reads the newspaper, thumb slowly caressing the back of Luhan's small hand. Sehun never did that either.

Haneul finally gets it when, before heading off to university, Luhan stands on tiptoe to kiss Sehun square on the lips. 

 

"Get a room" Haneul blurts out at some point, rolling his eyes and stomping his way towards the bathroom. 

 

"I told you he's not comfortable" Luhan whispers as he slaps Sehun on his shoulder, maybe harsher then he intended to. Sehun giggles and kisses the younger some more, knowing deep down that Haneul isn't really bothered by that. He knows his son better than anybody else, and when he doesn't like something, well, Sehun just knows.

 

Among graduation exams, layouts to edit and aced tests, something starts to change. Luhan senses it for the first time when he accidentally says yes after the teacher asks him if he is Haneul's parent. He senses it again when he's at a random party with Sehun and he's being introduced as his partner to most of said man's colleagues (not everyone because some people are too cool to attend parties), who don't really care much because who are they to judge (or maybe because Luhan is wearing his nicest suit and the most expensive tie he owns, with his hair pushed back and a pair of useless glasses that makes him look twice his age)? He senses it for the third time when Kyungsoo just stops yelling at him that dating someone  _that_ old is not healthy. He notices it for the fourth time when Sehun pushes a delicate golden ring on his right ring finger.

 

And finally, when Sehun's bedroom is filled with a couple of boxes and random stuff on the floor, Luhan understands that whatever this is, it's serious.

 

He's really moving in with Sehun. 

 

Luhan tries to forget Kyungsoo's cold stare piercing his soul as he packs up his things; he tries to forget how dinner seemed to taste worse than usual, and he also tries to forget how his roommate said goodbye with a bone-crushing hug that made him feel ten times guiltier. 

 

"If that old man dares to hurt you, let me know" Kyungsoo whispers between gritted teeth, shoving the Chinese boy out of the apartment and slamming the door shut against his face. He probably can't really express his feelings well, but Luhan understands. 

 

He always does.

 

When Sehun doesn't talk after work but kisses his face senseless, he understands. When Haneul screams that he's not his real mother after a long day at school, he understands. When Kyungsoo calls him twenty times a day to check on him, he understands too.  

 

"Luhan hyung? What's wrong?" Haneul's small head appears behind the door, a soccer ball under his arm and furrowed eyebrows. 

 

Luhan looks up from the mess on the bedroom floor and simply smiles, replying that nothing's wrong and that he needs to unpack his thing as soon as possible. 

 

Seeing all those folded clothes on the bed makes him anxious because they remind him of the time when he left Beijing hoping to find a better life somewhere else. He remembers his mother's wet tears on his shoulder and how silent his dad was during the trip to the airport. He also remembers how his baby siblings begged him to stay while repeating  _hey, Beijing is huge, there must be a place for you too._  And yeah, he remembers shoving his plane ticket inside his pocket along with his dreams and some bitter tears too, but it's ok. He belongs somewhere now.

 

Luhan is arranging some of his jeans inside the wardrobe when Haneul plops down on the floor to look around his hyung's belongings. He finds nothing particularly interesting; there are pics, pieces of paper, postcards, some candy and a Korean vocabulary. He unwraps a lemon lollipop and shoves it into his mouth. 

 

"I'm happy you're gonna live with us" he mumbles with the lollipop still in his left cheek, the hard candy occasionally hitting his front teeth. He watches as Luhan suddenly stops moving his hands and starts to wipe something away from his face.

 

"I'm happy too" the Chinese boy replies a couple of minutes later, voice unstable and head hung low, avoiding turning his face towards Haneul because there's no way he's going to show his red rimmed eyes. He is a very manly man, and very manly men don't cry like girls just because life happens and also because sometimes happiness bottles up inside one's chest and then explodes like an atomic bomb. The last time his eyes cried happy tears was on his tenth birthday, right when he received his first soccer video game as a gift from his parents. Actually, anything soccer-related would have made him cry. The fact that his gift was a video game didn't change things much. 

 

Luhan sniffles slightly and rubs his eyes once more, trying to focus on his clothes and not on his emotions that are like a big messy ball of chaos inside his mind _._  When he is done with his jeans, though, he notices that the room is way too quiet and that would only mean that Haneul got bored and left. Feeling a bit more relieved, he turns around to pick up his t-shirts and a second later they are scattered on the floor. Sehun is leaning on the door frame, arms crossed and a small smirk on his thin lips. With just a couple of steps he reaches Luhan until his hands find their way on each side of the younger's head, caging him.

 

"Haneul told me you were crying." Sehun manages to say, lips softly pressed against Luhan's wet cheek. 

 

"I'm just happy" Luhan sniffles again and moves his head, burying it into Sehun's chest to hide his oh so red face. 

 

They stay like that for what it seems to be an eternity. Sehun holds Luhan close and Luhan does the same, sniffling every now and then because when he starts to cry, well, there's no way he can stop. 

 

He only stops when Haneul yells from the kitchen that it's dinner time and  _my!! tummy!! hurts!! FOOD!!!_

 

_\--_

 

Being the graphic department manager gives you a few more zeros on your paychecks but also more hours in that small office that smells like burnt coffee. People bow to you and your name makes it on the last page of the magazine, but when it's seven pm on a Friday night, Sehun wishes he could go back in time and just choose another job because the stress is slowly turning his bones into dust. He's staring at his empty cup of coffee when he feels a slight pain in his head, that same old pain that haunts him on every weekend, and he instantly knows that a terrific headache is on his way to ruin his night. 

 

The layout for the fashion article is halfway done but he's still late (it's not his fault Baekhyun could not decide which brand of eyeliner would fit best into his June favorites), so he calls Luhan to apologize. He had promised to book a table for two at a nice italian restaurant but there's no way he can make it before nine o'clock. Luhan, on the other line, assures him that everything is ok and that there's always next time, but Sehun catches a hint of sadness in his voice. He clicks his tongue and gets back to work; the more he creates, the sooner he can go home. 

 

"Sehun hyung? I need help" Jongin calls softly, holding a couple of textbooks in his tanned arms. That trainee is so quiet that Sehun completely forgot about his existence. With a nod, Sehun tells him to sit next to him so they can talk about whatever is bothering the younger. They end up talking about pretty much everything but work; every time Sehun tries to talk about graphics and complicated stuff, Jongin looks bored and a sweet pout appears on his plump lips. He changes topic almost right away, and Sehun just follows the flow because he wants to be a good boss and also because interrupting people is kinda rude. Jongin is a nice guy; he's funny, his communicating skills aren't the best but the way he rubs his eyes with his hand is quite adorable. Sehun notices that the sun kissed boy tries to avoid his gaze as much as he can, and for a second he doesn't realize that he's actually staring at him.

 

"Is there something on my face, hyung?" Jongin asks, collecting some of his books. 

 

"Uhm, no. I need to finish this thing, so…" Sehun trails off and Jongin takes the hint, standing up right away like the chair was on fire. He politely bows and leaves in a matter of seconds, grabbing his light jacket and his messenger bag. Sehun tries to erase the image of Jongin's flushed cheeks, but that moment is completely stuck in his mind like a chewing gum under his favorite pair of shoes. 

 

He turns off the computer when the clock strikes eleven o'clock. He's so tired that the idea of falling asleep on the desk doesn't sound half bad, but then the thought of Luhan waiting for him at home jerks him up and he sprints towards the parking lot. 

 

Sehun always tries his best to be quiet, but it's not his fault that he trips somewhere in the kitchen and almost breaks his ankle. It's not even his fault when, because of his never ending laziness, he doesn't bother turning on the lights and his face meets the wooden door, making him groan in pain. He finds Luhan curled up on the sofa, cellphone in his hand and the television still on. The Chinese boy stirs when Sehun slowly caresses his forehead, moving locks of hair from his eyelids to the back of his ears. Since he doesn't want to wake the younger up, Sehun puts a blanket over him and tries to fall asleep on the other side of the sofa, suit still on and guilt growing in his chest. 

 

"Sehun?" Luhan's sleepy voice makes Sehun's eyes open in a matter of seconds. The younger sits up and rubs his eyes with slender fingers, legs curling until his knees reach his chest. He doesn't need to watch the clock to know that it's really late and that Sehun is still awake; he fell asleep when the sun was still timidly lighting up the living room, and now little shining stars decor the pitch black sky along with the moon.  

 

"I'm sorry I'm so late, Luhan. Jongin needed some help and..."

 

"It's ok, don't worry about it. Things happen. Let's go to bed?" Luhan cuts him off right away, a sheepish smile on pink lips and messy blond hair up in the air. He makes his way towards their bedroom (stumbling a couple of times) and Sehun just follows. 

 

Sehun slowly leaves a trail of little kisses on his lover's naked shoulders, wrapping an arm around the boy's petite chest to pull him closer until their bodies are glued to each other. Luhan's back is firmly pressed against Sehun's pale torso; they fall asleep for the second time with Sehun's nose in Luhan's hair and with Luhan's cold fingertips barely brushing Sehun's warm ones. 

 

It's not much, but it's enough.

 

\--

 

It's incredible how times flies. You look at the calendar and it's August, then you blink and suddenly it's still August but one year later. Luhan is still struggling with college and Sehun is still trying to ignore all that damned stress at work. Their love life is ok; it's not great but hey, it's not like they can set their duties aside and make out for a whole day (even though they did that once and to be honest it was worth it). 

 

"Hey, why don't you take a break? You're gonna be blind in a few year's time" Sehun exclaims from his laptop, helplessly trying to make Luhan peel his face off those books. The younger lifts his head up and snorts.

 

"Look who's talking" he replies, pointing at the endless amounts of supplies and flying pieces of paper on the coffee table. 

 

They do have time for feelings, but the determination to graduate in a year and the need to be the best at work…well, those things weigh a lot in their relationship. 

 

"Did you know what my teacher asked me last week?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"She asked what inspired my paper."

 

"And what did you answer?"

 

"The due date." 

 

Hearing Luhan laugh is like seeing a cat walking on two legs. At first it's weird because his voice gets high and his face contorts in a very…unique way, but then it becomes contagious and before you know it, you're laughing as well. The Chinese boy flips a couple of pages and highlights random words, mouth still stretched and a hand on his aching stomach. Sehun takes this opportunity to talk to him about something quite less funny, because he doesn't want him to ged mad. As usual, it works.

 

"Hey, uhm, I'm going out for dinner tonight together with Jongin and a few other of our colleagues."

 

Luhan's smile gets smaller, but at least it doesn't disappear. He tries to forget the fact that he's been counting these random parties (10 in the past month) and he also tries to forget the way Jongin's name rolls on Sehun's tongue. It feels familiar and Luhan doesn't like that.  _At all._

 

Instead of arguing with him (like Jongdae would say  _'it's as effective as talking to a tree, no scratch that, the tree might actually answer back'_ ) Luhan doesn't say anything but nods anyway. Sehun needs friends? Good. It's not like he's jealous, ok? He's not a kid anymore, he can deal with stuff like that.

 

"Don't stay up and wait for me, ok? I'll probably be late" Sehun whispers against his lips and then kisses him, probably trying to obtain early forgiveness. Luhan feels himself being picked up and his legs wrap around Sehun's waist in record time. He does his best to resist, but eventually he gives in and kisses back. 

 

He hates himself for that.

 

When Sehun comes home at two in the morning, he finds Luhan asleep with Haneul held in his arms on his kid's small bed.

 

For that night, he sleeps on the sofa.

 

\--

 

It's not true that it gets better with time. It gets worse. Luhan finds it hard to study when it's nine o'clock in the evening and Sehun is still in the office with Jongin. He tells himself to stop having bad thoughts; Sehun loves him and he loves Sehun. The ring on his finger proves it, just like the fact that Sehun is just as affectionate with him as before. They don't stop kissing after breakfast, or hugging on the sofa, or even making love after an heated argument.

The problem is that Sehun doesn't stop mentioning how Jongin needs help with everything and how funny his jokes are, and when the Chinese boy asks what Jongin's intentions are, Sehun just shrugs.

 

"I mean, I don't think he's interested or anything like that" the layout editor tries to reason. 

 

_Yeah, but does he know you're taken?_  Luhan would like to ask. Everything feels wrong for some kind of reason and tension builds up between them. Haneul senses it without even trying, and his grades show it as well. The Chinese boy starts tutoring him again, and for a small period of time it actually works. They spend time together and Haneul helps him forget everything else, but then life happens.

 

"We're just friends" Sehun's hand tries to grab Luhan's wrist but the other just brushes it off. 

 

"See you later, I need to study."

 

Sehun watches as Luhan locks himself in their bedroom, face slightly paler than usual and dark circles ruining his doll-like face. 

He goes to dinner with an idea in mind and as soon as Jongin's warm smile greets him, he takes his hand and drags him outside.

 

"I know you're taken" Jongin's eyes travel on Sehun's hand, looking at that small golden ring that sparkles every time it moves. He explains that his intentions are pure and that they are just good friends with common interests, but when Sehun nods and goes back inside, Jongin clenches his fists and fights back the tears.

 

Sehun comes back after an hour and a half and Luhan is genuinely surprised when a bouquet of fresh roses is shoved into his face. The older's thumbs gently wipe away Luhan's burning tears, caressing the porcelain skin with extra care since it could break right under his fingertips. Their apartment's walls listen to whispered ' _i love you'_ s and promises held between kisses. The bedroom walls listen to something else, but it's ok.

 

Luhan trusts Sehun.

 

\--

 

It's been ages since their last fight and things are completely back to normal. Luhan is this far from finally graduating and Sehun comes home every single time at seven sharp. Haneul is growing up and he doesn't need much attention, but he secretly enjoys all the trips they take on Sundays and on holidays. He likes seeing his father giving a peck on Luhan's lips before going out, and he loves when Luhan tells him about funny stories about their relationship ("no way, my dad really did that??" "yes, thank god you're not as dumb as him"). 

 

It's a Monday evening when Sehun gets a text from Jongin. 

 

"Luhan? Jongin wants me to have dinner with him tonight" Sehun yells from the bedroom, starting to type a simple greeting because it's probably the right thing to do.

 

"Alright, but don't be late!" Luhan calls back from the kitchen, water running and the noise of plates being washed filling the silence. Sehun can't really believe his ears, so he asks again when he's next to his partner for, you know, reassuring himself that he's not imagining things. After realizing that no, he's not crazy and that Luhan agreed, he sends a text to Jongin and gets ready.

 

Sehun is gone for half an hour when Haneul asks Luhan if he can help him bake some cookies since his friends are coming over tomorrow evening. Looking into the cabinets, Luhan notices that he really needs to buy some essential ingredients (you can't make cookies without flour, can you?), so he dresses up and reminds Haneul to never open the door to anyone.

 

Seoul is very nice at night. There's a cold wind that dances through Luhan's now black hair that makes him shiver, there are people running everywhere, there are colorful lights and there are so many scents that catch his attention. He's walking fast since Haneul is at home alone, and for a moment he doesn't recognize the mini market he likes so much. 

 

He ends up buying everything he needs and something more (mostly things Sehun loves). The cashier, a nice young man called Yixing, hands him the bag full of groceries and wishes him goodnight. Luhan is making his way home when, again, something distracts him: a flower shop next to a newly opened French restaurant. 

 

Ah, he really loves flowers. He checks out prices and colors, already thinking about combinations and mixes and god, he wishes he took some ikebana classes or something. His eyes travel quickly over roses, sunflowers, daisies and eventually fall on the menu of the restaurant. The food seems nice; he can't understand French but all those fancy names sound tasty, so he takes a quick look inside to see the furniture.

 

As soon as he takes a step forward, he doesn't feel alright.

 

Luhan sees Sehun. He sees him laugh with a glass of wine between his fingers, hair combed back and happiness painted all over his face. Luhan recognizes Jongin, and he also recognizes the look of adoration that his eyes basically scream.

 

Luhan sees everything and for a moment he wishes he stayed in Beijing. 

 

Luhan sees Jongin locking lips with Sehun. 

 

He loses the grip on his bag and the groceries spill out along with his heart, rolling down the sidewalk like a soccer ball.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Even if you're hurting, life doesn't magically stop. People don't stop walking down the street, slightly cursing under their breaths because it's so late and they're not home yet. Lights don't turn themselves off, the wind doesn't stop dancing messily, time doesn't turn back but Luhan's eyes are still stuck there, on Sehun and Jongin, like glue between pieces of paper. He knows people are starting to notice him, nose almost pressed on the cold restaurant window and warm breath hitting the transparent glass, but his whole body is slowly sinking into the ground and his feet can't seem to move. He doesn't even notice the mess he made on the sidewalk, flour everywhere and candy rolling down the street like marbles. 

 

Luhan blinks a couple of times and the more he does that, the more the picture of their kiss etches itself in his brain. He feels something inside his chest and he thinks  _that's it, this is how I die_ , but the stroke doesn't come. It just hurts, it hurts so much and the pain makes his way to every inch of Luhan's body, from his heart to his freezing fingertips, making him grit his teeth and wish he was already buried six feet under. He's not even sure he's capable of crying real tears. He feels them fight near the angles of his almond eyes, but his white cheeks remain as dry as the desert. Luhan tears his eyes off the scene only when his vision is blurred by warm and salty liquid, but even so, he gets to see Sehun press his palms against Jongin's torso and push him away with so much strength that the younger has to grab onto something in order not to fall on the floor. Sehun's gaze looks shocked, almost disappointed in his colleague's action, and the back of his own hand travels unconsciously towards his lips to wipe them. 

 

Luhan doesn't know what to do, or what to think. The moment Sehun stands up and stares back at him with fear painted all over his handsome face, the Chinese boy feels the ground under his feet turn into quicksand and he's stuck. 

 

Sehun's mouth keeps moving and Luhan only hears noise, just plain white noise, and his eyes stares at Sehun's pupils with so much tiredness and sadness that at some point he just gives up. He does the first thing he can think of and slaps Sehun's cheek, and he slaps it hard.

 

Luhan's legs tremble when he starts to walk away. His shoulders feel heavy, his head is as light as a feather and for every step he takes, an invisible knife tears his flesh apart. As much as his mind pleads him to stay, to ask for an explanation, his heart is on the verge of exploding and if he doesn't find a place to rest soon enough, he's gonna collapse on the spot. Sehun's cracked voice rings into his ears like a hammer, getting stronger every time Luhan tries to helplessly ignore it. He keeps walking without even realizing where he's going, hitting people and getting shouted at. In a different time he'd laugh and think that hey, this looks like the music video of bittersweet symphony by the verve, but the only thought that occupies his mind is to reach somewhere quiet before he has a breakdown.  

 

"Luhan, wait! It's not what you think!" long pairs of fingers wrap around the Chinese boy's thin wrist, finally stopping him from crossing the road and getting hit by a random car. Sehun is panting hard, left cheek flaming hot because of the slap and watery eyes begging for forgiveness. 

 

"I didn't kiss him" it's just a tiny whisper but Luhan hears it like it has been shouted with a megaphone. Should he trust him? Sehun's hand reaches for Luhan's face but the younger turns around, not wanting to be touched by someone who just stepped on his young heart like it's a trampoline. 

 

"Don't touch me" it was meant as a warning, but when the words leave Luhan's chapped lips, they sound more like a plea than anything else. The older decides to ignore it because Luhan is like that, he says things he doesn't mean without even realizing it, so he tries to hug him but his arms grab cold air.

 

"Don't you dare touch me, Sehun" Luhan repeats a second time, voice getting angrier and hands turning into small fists. He takes a few steps back and Sehun just stays there, paralyzed, watching as the love of his life runs away from him disappearing among the crowd.  

 

Luhan runs. He runs, runs, runs. It doesn't matter where his feet bring him, as long as Sehun is far away from his eyes and his mind. 

The sky is slowly getting darker and the moon seems to be mocking him from up there, with its beautiful white light and millions of glittery stars dancing around it. Air gets thicker, the faint smell of rain fills his nostrils and the first drop lands on the asphalt when his eyes spot a playground next to an abandoned building not so far from where he is. Luhan couldn't care less about getting wet; he crawls towards a couple of swings and sits on one of them, resting his head against the freezing metal chain to find some kind of support. Gentle fingertips play with his golden ring as the rain slowly soaks his black hair and clothes. 

 

Dying of pneumonia would hurt less, anyway. 

 

Luhan is so confused that he can't even understand if his face is wet because of the pouring rain or because of his tears. His eyes burn so badly that it's physically tiring keeping them open, so he just closes them and hides his face in his shaking hands. 

 

Pieces of sky are falling down and they fall hard on his back, crushing it until it's hard to breathe.  _This will kill me_ , his inner voice whispers.  _I'm dying. How much time do I even have left?_

 

Luhan learns that dying takes time, and even though the stabbing pain doesn't stop, his heart is strong enough to keep beating steadily. Sehun's voice rings in his ears for the tenth time, but it feels so real that the Chinese boy has to open his eyes to check around himself to see if, well, it's his imagination's fault or not. 

 

It's not. 

 

Sehun is jogging quickly with a green umbrella held tight in his hand, the shade of his hair ten time darker and voice unstable as he chants the other's name. He's looking for the younger everywhere; behind trees, on the benches, near the river, hidden under colorful umbrellas, in someone else's eyes. Sehun can't find Luhan and Seoul is so big that it makes him feel like an ant in a forest. He could be literally anywhere, much like his heart, and this thought feels like a sudden bucket of freezing water thrown at his face on a winter day. It's devastating and Sehun doesn't stop walking, shouting his lover's name until there's a knot as big as an apple right inside his throat. 

 

Luhan stands up and hides under a slide until only silence surrounds him. Sehun has probably decided to go somewhere else, and the younger notices the thirty missed calls and the twenty unread texts only when he's about to call Kyungsoo to pick him up. 

 

When a small but strong arm drags him away and a pair of round and worried eyes stares into his soul, Luhan doesn't hold back the river anymore and cries again, burying his face in his friend's coat like he's just found his anchor. 

 

"Let's go home" Kyungsoo announces and Luhan hates himself for thinking that no, that isn't  _his_  home. 

 

He hates himself again when his gaze travels to the golden ring still wrapped around his right ring finger, and he hates himself even more when he realizes that deep down something is still stopping him from getting rid of it. 

 

\--

 

Even if you're hurting, life doesn't magically stop. Sehun learnt it the hard way too. Just because half of you is missing, that doesn't mean you can neglect your job and keep sulking under the covers of your bed. Just because you keep putting three plates on the counter instead of two, it doesn't mean that he's coming back. It's not like staring at your cellphone will magically help you receive a text from him, opening the window every time you go to bed won't make his scent disappear, and just pretending everything's ok won't make his absence less painful. 

 

 

Luhan doesn't come back home that night, nor the night after that and the one after that neither. 

 

"Dad, why don't you call him?" Haneul asks one morning, lazily mixing cereals and milk with a spoon. He didn't use to have breakfast before knowing Luhan (no, a chocolate bar can't be defined as breakfast), but somehow the pixie managed to convince him to be healthier and so breakfast has slowly become the main event of the day.

 

"I've tried" Sehun replies with a cup of steamy coffee in his hand. His register of calls is clogged by Luhan's contact number and he remembers every digit by heart. He tried to call day and night, at work, at home, at the supermarket, at the coffee shop, at midnight, at midday. He left messages on his answering machine begging him to call back, but the mechanical voice never transformed itself into Luhan's voice. It made him think that Luhan might had changed his number, or thrown his cellphone into the Han river, and the chances of finding him suddenly seemed almost like a mirage. 

 

Work doesn't help. Even though Jondgae literally drags him to lunch by his hair, Sehun is slowly turning into a vegetable and the layouts he makes are so low quality that his boss gives him a week off to make him get his head out of his ass. How can he produce a 10 when his life in general is a 2 and a half? 

 

"I bet on my office that he's staying with his old roommate" Jongdae says while chewing loudly a piece of fresh tuna, occasionally dipping it in savory soy sauce. Sehun had mentally thanked his colleague when they didn't end up eating at that same old ramen shop like they used to since forever. There's only a piece of wasabi left in Sehun's plate and he pokes it with a chopstick. Maybe Jongdae is right. After all, Luhan talked about Kyungsoo many times, and the Chinese boy didn't have that many reliable friends in Seoul.

 

"Kyungsoo's apartment is in the same neighborhood as mine. I can look around if you want" Jongdae suggests, getting a picture of a smiling boy shoved into his face in a matter of seconds. 

 

"This is what Luhan looks like."

 

"You're telling me that you  _actually_  keep a pic of Luhan in you wallet-"

 

"So can you help me?"

 

"Well this might take some time, I mean I have my things to do, people to see, places to visit…"

 

"I'm gonna treat you to lunch for a month."

 

"…and I can't look for him all day, well I could, but you know, I have a life and…"

 

"For a year."

 

Jongdae puts down his chopsticks and Sehun holds his breath like he's waiting for this death sentence. 

 

"Tonight, eight sharp. Wait for my text."

 

_What the fuck does it mean_ , Sehun complains in his mind when it's half past seven and he's cooking some cantonese fried rice for him and Haneul. He has seen Luhan cook so many times that even reading his poorly handwritten recipes makes him feel bitterness in his mouth. 

He's not the best when it comes to waiting for something, especially if that something is about someone who stole half of him and brought it far away in just a night. 

Haneul silently observes his dad chop the omelette in fine pieces and for the first time in his life, he fears for his father's mental health (and his fingers too, since cooking with anxiety engraved into your bones isn't exactly ideal and that knife seems really sharp). Luhan wasn't his mother, but at some point it felt like he was. Luhan was everything for Haneul: a mother, a father, a brother, a tutor, a friend. His absence isn't bearable anymore.

 

At eight sharp Sehun's cellphone vibrates and the image of a little envelope moves on the screen. It's a text and it's from Jongdae. And it's fucking cryptic. 

 

from: troll king

the mole is in the nest and it's not alone

 

Sehun replies with a very confused  _????????????????????_  and just waits for more infos, which come after a couple of minutes and are even more cryptic. 

 

from: troll king

i befriended the big mole 

 

from: troll king

more infos tmrw

 

Sehun is staring at the screen with his mouth slightly open and he just can't understand what Jongdae is trying to tell him. Mole? Who are the moles? Which nest? What the fuck? He's upset and disappointed. He needs to listen to a coherent explanation without hearing the mechanism inside his mind work like a factory with steam and all, so he calls him on the spot. 

 

Basically Jongdae tells him that Luhan is alive and he's living with Kyungsoo as expected. After spotting both Luhan and his roommate around, he successfully befriended Kyungsoo with a lame excuse and thanks to his extraordinary skills he got to know the address where they both stay, which is fantastic because it's always nice knowing that Luhan sleeps with a roof on his head and his tummy is full for lunch and dinner. 

 

Sehun doesn't realize that he's actually quietly crying until his hoarse voice thanks Jongdae for his hard work. 

 

Luhan hasn't left Seoul yet. He's alive, and he's right under the same sky as Sehun. 

 

\--

 

Days are ok. Nights are not. Luhan sits on his old bed and his hand reaches for his cellphone. It's two in the morning and going to college with blood red rimmed eyes isn't the best thing ever, but his eyelids can't stay down and his whole body aches. Scrolling down his contact list, Luhan chooses his answer machine and checks if Sehun has left any new messages, and he has. Listening to his voice after almost two weeks without seeing him is as painful as getting hit by a brick, but it's also as beautiful as seeing the dawn for the first time. It makes his stomach churn and his toes curl. 

 

_"Hey, it's me again. I know it's kinda late and you have classes in the morning, but…I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you. Haneul misses you. If…if you want to come back, or even just..go out for a coffee, you know, let me know. It will be like you were never gone. Goodnight Luhan-ah. I love you."_

 

Luhan doesn't delete that message. He has never deleted any of them. He listens to every single one before going to bed and Sehun's velvety voice makes him cry so hard and so painfully that he feels like dying every time. But it's ok. He doesn't know why, but it's ok. 

 

_"Luhan-ah, are you still mad? Come back home. I love you."_

_"Let me explain, please. Give me a chance."_

_"Is this about our age difference? Luhan…am I too old for you? Are ten years…too many?"_

_"Please, pick up your phone. I want to hear your voice."_

_"You don't have classes today, right? Do you want to go out?"_

_"Please come back home."_

 

Sehun would send flowers too. Luhan came home one day to find the biggest rose bouquet in this world on his doorstep. He received one a day, a different color for each day of the week. A little note would say  _i love you_  and Luhan would secretly keep them in his room until the petals started to rot. He just wasn't ready to go back yet, even though in his heart he really wanted to. That kiss really did leave a big scar, and scars aren't supposed to heal in just a week's time, but when Luhan comes home one day from college he finds two messages on his answering machine and they aren't from Sehun. 

 

_"Hyung, it's Haneul. I know you're angry with dad, but… he's thinking about quitting his job. He's not feeling well either. Please come home, I'm worried. I miss you so much, hyung. We miss you so much."_

 

_"Son, it's mom! How are things in Seoul?  Did you finally graduate? Me and dad talked a lot these days, and we think it's time for you to come home. We haven't seen you in such a long time, and a friend of dad's offered you a great job in Beijing. Please call as soon as possible so we can arrange everything! I love you!"_

 

Well, shit. He must have killed a baby in his previous life to receive a punishment like this. He misses his family like crazy, but who wouldn't? He misses his mother's spring rolls and he misses the soccer matches with his father on Sunday mornings. He misses talking care of his baby siblings and he misses braiding his little sister's hair. Luhan also misses Sehun, though. He craves his touch, the sound of his voice, the shivers down his spine whenever Sehun would smile at him. 

 

"Kyungsoo, what do I do?" Luhan whispers at dinner, dark circles decorating his eyes and a snapback on top of his head in a failed attempt to hide his hideous hair. If chaos were a person, it would be Luhan. Mismatched socks, pajama pants and a jumper, a faint trace of a beard and a very ugly pair of glasses have been his companions since he left Sehun. He carelessly puts a piece of meat inside his mouth and chews slowly, mind still busy thinking about everything that is happening in his messy life. He wants to see Sehun as much as he wants to go home but he can't do both, can he?

 

"If you still love Sehun, you should probably let him know. Don't make him suffer like a dog" Kyungsoo tells him with a motherly smile painted on his slightly tanned face. 

 

"Also, talk to your parents about your relationship. They will understand."

 

Turns out they don't. His mother shouts every kind of insult she can think of ( _"you're filthy" "ten years are too many" "what? he's a dad??" "you're such a dumb boy, Luhan… I never thought you'd do something like that" "You're a dishonor to our family"_ ) and his dad refuses to talk to his gay son. They do tell him to come home as soon as possible to start the job he has been offered, and Luhan is so mortified that accepts without even thinking twice about it. He accepts and the realization that his relationship with Sehun is basically over (or will be, since he's leaving in such a short time that deciding things would be impossible) hits him like a truck on the highway. He doesn't recover from this.

 

Luhan calls Sehun at four in the afternoon after studying and Sehun picks up right away. There's something very wrong in his tone and the Chinese boy packs up his bag as soon as his partner tells him that his health conditions aren't so good, just like Haneul told him a few days ago. 

Walking towards his old apartment feels strange. Good, but strange. He finds his spare set of keys inside his messenger bag and standing on the doorstep kickstarts something in his heart; it doesn't hurt anymore.  _He's home_. Sehun welcomes him with watery eyes and a very pale face, mouth dry as the desert and fingertips as cold as snow. Luhan's bag get tossed somewhere on the sofa as they share a bone-crushing hug that lasts for several minutes. Hugging Sehun is so familiar that Luhan's arms find their way around his lover's neck as usual, bringing his face closer and making their chests meet. Even though he's ill, Sehun's scent is still so enchanting that the younger gets drunk right away, wanting to burn this moment inside his head in order to forget the kiss. 

Sehun's grip is weak, but the feeling of his hands on his hips makes Luhan cry tears of happiness. He missed this. He missed this so much.

 

"It's just a flu, please, don't bother" Sehun complains when Luhan opens every cabinet, searching for something to make soup with. He gathers some vegetables, some chicken meat and starts heating a pot full of water right away, adding a pinch of salt and spices. Sehun can't stop staring at Luhan's small but reassuring back. Seeing him in their kitchen, cooking chicken soup for him, makes his heart beat ten time faster and his cheek redder. He blames the flu when the younger puts the back of his hand against Sehun's hot forehead, frown on his face and lower lip tortured by his teeth. 

 

In record time there's a steamy cup of broth on the table and a pair of tired eyes staring at his own. Sehun coughs a few times and he swears he has never felt worse in his life, but if this is what it takes to bring Luhan back, he'd pay millions to get sick every day. 

 

"Your things are still here. I didn't touch anything" he mumbles while slowly stirring the broth with a spoon, occasionally blowing fresh air to let it cool down. 

 

"Why are you here, Luhan?" Sehun's question freezes the time just for a minute. Luhan can't find the courage to look at his face anymore. Suddenly everything is too much for him to handle right now. He remembers how his parents shouted at him for telling them the truth; he remembers how Sehun pushed away Jongin at the restaurant; he remembers everything and for the first time Luhan feels like he has a place to belong to. It's a hard decision to make, especially when your lover is as fragile as a branch and your parents already found you a nice job in Beijing. It would be easy going back: Luhan has a family waiting for him, his friends, a house where he can live and no struggles whatsoever. He could also drop out of college, for all that matters. But he doesn't.

 

Luhan breathes, hand traveling to hold Sehun's bony one and fingers intertwining like they were made to do so. 

 

"I'm here to stay."

 


	5. epilogue

_"_ _If I can have my wish granted_

_May I have a spell cast_

_One that ensures you will not shed tears of sadness ever again?"_

 

 

 

Luhan ends up leaving Kyungsoo's apartment for the second time in his life, his trustworthy messenger bag on his shoulder and his beating heart held in his hand. The idea of sharing the roof with Sehun and Haneul once more is enough to wake up butterflies in his stomach; the truth is that he misses waking up in the morning with long fingers running through his hair, with an overly attractive and low _'morning baby_ , with a cup of cheap coffee and with a pair of lips on his own. He misses coming back home from college and cooking lunch for the three of them, he misses spending time with Haneul and helping him with homework, he misses all this and so much more. It's hard making decisions when your heart says one thing and your brain says another. Should he trust Sehun? Is it ok to fall again in his arms? 

 

For once in his life, Luhan listens to his heart and says _I wanna try again_.

 

He is still fixing his hair when Kyungsoo tells him that Sehun is waiting for him outside. He doesn't have many belongings since everything he owns is back at Sehun's apartment, so he thinks that maybe leaving this time is going to be a little easier, but he couldn't be more wrong. His bag may be halfway empty, but the sadness that washes over him as soon as his old roommate hugs him is suffocating. He fights back the tears and mentally slaps himself. How can he write another chapter of his story if he keeps reading the last one?

 

Kyungsoo packs up Luhan's pajama and hat, some old t-shirts and an old blanket he forgot under the bed a long time ago. As soon as the Chinese boy sees that cute pink blanket he tries to hide it somewhere deep inside his bag because there's no way Sehun's gonna see that horrendous thing that belongs in hell. 

 

"I'm a manly man" he reminds Kyungsoo again and again, pink snapback covering his pitch black hair and strawberry lip balm on his lips. Kyungsoo sighs and pushes him outside the front door.

 

"Now go! Shoo!" the older yells, faking an annoyed expression just because Luhan might start crying a river for the second time that morning if Kyungsoo holds him a little longer. He sends him off with a quick movement of his hand and closes the door right after, afraid that his Chinese friend might see his watery eyes and trembling mouth. Kyungsoo wants to be strong for Luhan. He wants to be his shelter. He wants to wrap him in a warm blanket and hide him away from the ugliness of this world, but he also knows that it's impossible. Luhan is leaving him and he's returning to that one person who broke his fragile heart in a million pieces, and Kyungsoo is doing absolutely nothing to stop him. 

 

Why?

 

Because Luhan's happiness is his own happiness. Kyungsoo knows that deep down Luhan is happy with Sehun, and that's enough. The older watches Sehun as he lowers himself to gently brush his lips against Luhan's plump ones in a tender kiss, and Luhan's eyes automatically close. Kyungsoo can see a smile appear on both of their faces and sighs. He feels like a dad who's sending his son off to start a new life all by himself, and that feeling seems to disappear only when a little envelope with 'Jongdae' written on it appears on his cellphone screen.

 

Sehun is standing on the doorstep of his apartment with keys in his pocket and a knot as big as an apple in his throat. Luhan didn't talk much during their walk; even though his big brown eyes were fixed on the sidewalk and the space between them was huge, Sehun could't help but smile when Luhan didn't let go of his hand. His grip was made of iron and the older was completely fine with that: he didn't want to let go either. 

 

Sehun opens the front door and that familiar scent of _home_ fills Luhan's nostrils like a drug. The older gently drags the other inside and kisses him once more, lips remaining so close to each other that their breaths mix together. It's just a whisper, but Luhan (and his heart too) hears it loud and clear.

 

"Welcome home."

 

\--

 

Luhan's classmates are all over the place. It's spring and the school courtyard is full of parents and relatives and friends, and basically half of them are already tearing up. 

 

The chilly air is nice, and it hits Luhan's chubby cheeks like a soft caress. He's been smiling for so long that the angles of his mouth starts to hurt, but everything happened so fast and the sudden realization that he made it makes his stomach churn and toe curl. He stands up and holds his piece of paper tightly, looking for Sehun in the crowd. Teachers shake his hand and his friends congratulate him for his amazing score, but everything becomes a blur when Luhan finally spots Sehun and the bouquet as big as his head that he's holding.  

 

They smile at each other and Luhan is able to read Sehun's lips for a second before the ceremony ends. 

 

_You made it. I love you._

 

And then, along with the sound of hands clapping and shouts of joy, Luhan's graduation cap finally finds its way to join the others up in the air.

 

\--

 

"You didn't really have to do… all this, you know. This place seems expensive as hell" Luhan murmurs with a slightly worried expression painted on his face and with fingers constantly brushing against his white shirt, trying to get rid of invisible wrinkles. Tuxedos aren't really his thing and this damned bowtie is choking him, but the playful smile on Sehun's lips stops him from complaining (his PhD in complaining is pretty amazing to be honest).  

 

Sehun booked a table for two near the balcony, so they could admire the beautiful Han river covered in stardust while dining peacefully. Actually, Sehun hopes that the view would help somehow, because he might be smiling, but his nerves are trembling. As soon as they sit down, he orders a bottle of champagne and tries to ignore the shocked expression on his partner's face.

 

"It's our anniversary, we must celebrate! And you look lovely tonight" Sehun tries to reason with Luhan, handing him a menu so they can choose what to order. 

 

"You don't have to spend this much. A simple pizza would have been just fine" the Chinese boy gently scolds him, watching as the waiter pours a generous amount of champagne into their glasses. It's sparkling and golden and even though everything is absolutely outstanding, Luhan can't help but feel like a stranger in a foreign land. 

 

"…And you're the lovely one here, you know" he whispers, covering his blushing cheeks with the menu. He glances down at it and he can't even understand what those names mean. The prices are so high that he opts for the least expensive thing he can find. What are escargots anyway? And what does 'affogato' even mean? For a moment he even thinks about doing a quick search on google, but using cellphones during dinner is not really a nice thing to do, so he accepts his destiny and chooses somethings that reminds him of a fish. Or is it meat?

 

Luhan is frustrated. That menu is so _huge_ that it covers his entire face, and he has to actually fold it in multiple places to look at Sehun. His partner is strangely stiff and his fingers can't stop tapping on the table. Why did he become so nervous all of a sudden? Luhan frowns.

 

They order their food and the more time passes, the more Sehun appears to become unbearably jittery. 

 

"We should make a toast" Sehun eventually blurts out, taking the crystal glass between his fingers. Luhan nods with a smile and does the same. As soon as his eyes fall on his own flute, though, his smile turns into a frown. 

 

"What is this?"

 

There is something round and small, probably made of metal, that lies on the bottom of the glass. It's super shiny and Luhan guesses it's a ring, mainly because of the huge white rhinestone right on the top of the band. He fishes it out and now that he has it in his palm, it's totally a ring.

 

Why was there a ring in his glass? Did the waiter lose it or something? Does it come with the champagne? It wasn't there before he started looking at the menu. Did Sehun-

 

A strange feeling starts to warm up his chest. No. It's not an engagement ring. It can't be an engagement ring. 

 

"Sehun, why is there a ring in my glass?" Luhan asks with a small but very nervous laugh, eyes fixed on that piece of jewelry and throat as dry as the desert. When he doesn't hear any answer, Luhan panics.

 

"Sehun?" he looks up and his partner is not sitting in front of him anymore. 

 

Then, when he finds Sehun on his knee, on the floor right next to him, he understands.

 

For the second time in his life, Luhan listens to his heart and says _yes_.

 

\-- 

 

They get married in June, when gardens are covered in roses and the air is warmer. It's a simple ceremony, nothing pretentious, but Luhan's whole family is there and they almost fill the whole church. His mother starts crying when Luhan walks down the aisle wearing the tuxedo Kyungsoo helped him choose, and his father hides his tears with the back of his hand.

 

Kyungsoo is there, Jongdae is there, Sehun's boss is there. Everyone shows up but Sehun couldn't care less. He glances at Luhan standing next to him and sees his wet cheeks, his trembling lips and his beautiful pair of brown eyes. He squeezes his hand and the Chinese boy gently smiles, mouthing a quiet _i love you._

 

Luhan is wearing red because he doesn't want to forget his origins. It looks good on him, and it made his parents really proud. He's wearing the wedding ring that Haneul brought them on a soft white pillow, a simple golden band that they chose not so long ago in a small jewelry shop. He's wearing a happy smile, and he's wearing his heart on his sleeve too.

 

For the third time in his life, Luhan listens to his heart and says _I do_.

 

_"A life together with you_

_With a brilliant smile, with confidence, and hand in hand_

_Together we go forward_

_I am looking forward to such a future"_


End file.
